1.What is all
this about?
This is a fun
and serious piece addressing some of the frequently asked questions that
submissive men and women encounter when chatting on-line. It’s not a personal list,
as whenever I’m on IRC, the most frequently asked question of me is “why are
you depressed?” but that’s another story. I hope you find the FAQs
interesting, amusing and even enlightening in places.
2. Do you (a
submissive person) submit to anyone / everyone?
No. Since discovering BDSM I have learnt how to be
selectively submissive. Now I try to choose who and what I submit to, wisely
and intuitively. IME wise, responsible BDSM dominants are also discerning in
who they choose to dominate and in what areas they exercise that control.
3. What makes a person submissive?
I think it’s a mixture of nature and nurture. Some are born, some are made.
Some do it for fun and some take it more seriously. For me it’s a mixture of
all those things, but whether I submit or not, whether I’m dominated or not,
submissiveness is still in my heart.
4. Doesn't being submissive
leave you open to the tyranny and arbitrary nature of others?
If submissiveness is a
natural part of your personality, then I feel that it does. I believe the best
way round this problem is for naturally submissive people to gain knowledge and
understanding about their own natures and also outlets for exploring this
nature in an appropriate and appreciative setting. A very good article on the
subject of natural submissiveness is "The healthy female submissive"
by Yodah Toveh, which is available via the Submissive Women Speak website.
5. What are you wearing?
A pale blue nighty with baby food, baby dribble and baby sick down the front.
6. When you say
you’re a submissive, do you mean you’re a masochist?
I feel that
“submissive” is rapidly becoming a catch-all term for those who are interested
in the “done to” role in BDSM. Bottom is technically the correct term, but as
my friend pointed out “bottom sounds bloody awful”, although some people don’t
seem to mind it. So these days when someone says they’re a submissive, they
might mean they’re a masochist or a playful bottom or a lifestyle slave or a
naturally submissive person. For myself I would say I’m a naturally submissive
person, not a huge masochist, although I have found since discovering D&S
that B&D and S&M can also be a lot of fun.
7. What do
submissive people enjoy doing / having done to them?
The answers to this question are as diverse as submissive people themselves. I
am talking about exploring submission in a BDSM context, as submissiveness is
not part of my religion and, I feel, not valued as an important part of my
culture. For a more in depth exploration of BDSM I would recommend starting
with my list of UK BDSM Community Information Sites. In
the meantime this is a brief overview of BDSM and what the submissive people
who indulge in it might be into. BDSM stands for Bondage and Discipline,
Domination and Submission, Sadism and Masochism. These are some of the things a
BDSM submissive might enjoy. They might enjoy being tied up, being disciplined,
being controlled, being of service, being subjected to intense stimulation,
being humiliated, being a full-time slave in a lifestyle relationship or being
someone else, ie a naughty school girl or an adult baby, in a role-play
situation. I enjoy being with my Master and being appreciated for the humble
submissive I naturally am.
8. Aren't you
just some kind of sick pervert?
I consider myself part of the great sexual and personal diversity of the human
race. As a submissive woman, I consider myself no sicker of more perverted than
anyone else, be they Dominant man, Dominant woman, submissive man, masochist,
sadist, voyeur, exhibitionist, gay, lesbian, transexual, polyamourist,
fetishist or celebate. As a responsible BDSMer I only have relations with those
capable of giving Informed Consent, this precludes anyone who is below the age
of consent and also animals and dead people.
9. How do I get
my girlfriend to submit?
Firstly, does she want to submit, to anyone, and more specifically, how does
she feel about submitting to you? I feel these are basic questions that need
answering before proceeding any further. However according to men on the
UK.people.BDSM newsgroup a good idea is to carry out the “wrist wrestle” test
while making love to your lady and assessing her reaction to gauge if she has any
latent submissive feelings for you. For any more information about this
technique (or indeed any other technical matter!) please ask on the newsgroup.
A good explanation of how to proceed when these submissive tendencies have been
established is given in The Loving Dominant by John Warren, Greenery Press,
2000.
10. Age / Sex / Location?
I wonder about the mentality of the person who thought up the phrase “a/s/l”
and thought it would be a helpful tool in the mating game. Perhaps someone far
too clever to actually use the phrase himself?
11. Can he (the dominant partner) get you (the submissive partner) to do
anything?
That partly depends on what has been negotiated and agreed upon in the
individual relationship. I would say that however much power a dominant has
over a submissive, there comes a time when it is better for the wants and whims
of the Master to subordinate themselves to greater considerations of basic
human responsibility. Perhaps deciding whether you or your Master is in danger
of overstepping that basic human responsibility and what to do about it is a
matter for you and your conscience. Personally I feel I would rather face a
good deal of begging, humiliation, disapproval and punishment (from him or even
society in general?!) than that my Master make what I would consider to be a
serious error and get into serious trouble. However, IME, submissive people are
notoriously individualistic and may well disagree with me here.
12. Don't you think it (female submission) is demeaning to women?
Here I'd like to quote from "BDSM: a feminist perspective" by Joanna
Moore, written for Outreach in March 1997. It is an excellent essay available
via bdsm.org.uk, which says important things far better than I feel I can say
them. "In a way, BDSM is a peculiarly equalising phenomenon, in that the
roles someone plays need not bear any relationship to the economic, physical or
intellectual power they may hold in the rest of their life, but only to their
own (and their partner's) pursuit of pleasure ... The idea that one person's
pleasure is always at another person's expense is a fallacy ... To whatever
degree BDSM provides a space for women to claim their own power and become
comfortable with it, to value their own pleasure and that of their lovers, it's
a profoundly feminist act."
13. Don't you
think it's wrong to even fantasise about male domination and female submission,
let alone act it out in real life?
I don't think it's wrong to fantasise about anything. Thinking isn't doing and
thankfully we are not living in George Orwell's "1984" and
thoughtcrime is not a reality (yet!). However bridging the gap between fantasy
and reality is more tricky. For me, domination and submission in a BDSM context
has been a "safe, sane and consensual haven" from the non-consensual
abuse that exists in mainstream society. If you are interested in finding out
more about SSC-BDSM I would recommend starting your search at the Informed
Consent website at http://www.informedconsent.co.uk
14. Don’t you
think it’s wrong to even fantasise about female domination and male submission,
let alone act it out in real life?
See above.
15. But isn't
male domination and female submission the natural order of things?
I think it is important for Maledoms, femsubs, BDSMers and people in general to
own their own desires and inclinations and to accept that what seems normal and
natural for them, may not be normal and natural for other people. I feel the
thinking behind this type of question is actually a hindrance to people getting
what they want out of life. It is better to identify your own needs in this
area and find out how it is best to get those needs met than to worry about
what is normal, natural or politically correct.
16. Doesn’t every
relationship have some kind of Domination and submission element going on in
it?
I have observed
relationships in which power struggles and arguments were rife and no one
wanted to “give in” or “back down”, some of them were happy, some of them weren’t.
However I don’t consider these relationships as having a successful D/s element
going on in them. I have experienced a somewhat abusive mainstream
relationship, where my partner liked me being submissive on one hand and on the
other hand blamed his abusive behaviour on my submissiveness. I have
experienced a non-abusive BDSM D/s relationship where my partner liked me being
submissive but also listened to my opinions and considered my feelings and we
had a wild and wonderful time together. However I am aware that BDSM
relationships can be abusive as much as any other relationship. I am no expert
in this area, but I would think that both sub and Dom need help in these
situations. If you are worried about BDSM abuse I would advise a visit to http://www.submission.org.uk, a
submissives’ website and network, which has a lot of information and advice on
safety issues and also opportunities to ask questions anonymously and
confidentially.
17. Could he (a
Master) give you to me?
That also depends on how the relationship has been set up. IME that type of
“Exchange and Mart” deal is not on the cards in your standard D/s
relationship. Perhaps it’s more Gorean territory? There is a lot of
information about the “Gorean lifestyle” on the web. My personal feelings are
that some of the Gorean relationships I have read of, work well, but when they
get dysfunctional they can have dire consequences for all involved, but perhaps
that can be said of any human relationship. On a part time basis, some Masters
hire out their submissives (I don’t know what the going rate is though), others
lend them out for short periods of time and some D/s couples are monogamous.
Again it’s mostly a matter of negotiation and agreed upon limits between
partners. "Neverwhere" have run a fun “slave auction” event before,
where dominants could buy slaves for the evening with the proceeds going to
charity, if you’re into that sort of thing.
18. Isn’t saying
you’re a slave another way of saying you’re a doormat?
In a human
relationship context, according to the OED, a doormat means a “despised”
passive person, whereas BDSM slaves tend to be “cherished” submissive people.
Of course that’s not to say a submissive person can’t play act “being a
doormat” if that’s what they’re into.
19. Do you have an
inferiority complex?
I don't believe that
dominants are superior and submissives are inferior, even when they're playing
together. Because one person is commanding and one obeying, doesn't mean that
one is better than the other, just that they are fulfilling different roles. I
also think that just because the Dominant is making all the decisions doesn't
mean that the submissive can't also be making a lot of suggestions. I, myself,
am a very suggestive person!
20. How can I best serve you
Mistress?
Sorry, I used a capital
letter when I should have used a small one. Seriously though. The idea is that
Dominants use capitals and submissives use small letters as a shorthand way of differentiating us, to
try to avoid the endless “are you sub or Dom?” questions. Outsiders might think
it was because Doms are more important than subs, but I think they would be
wrong. I consider myself to be just as important as a Dominant. I usually use
elle finn in my outreach work too, because firstly I’m a bit of an e.e.cummings
fan and secondly, I can’t think of a good enough reason why I shouldn’t.
21. Why are
there so many unattached male dominants around compared to so few real / true /
genuine submissive women?
I guess finding that special
someone is as hard a job in the BDSM world as it is in the vanilla one. I feel
this question is asked mostly out of frustration with seemingly futile
searching. I would bear in mind that environments in which we seek our partners
in life are often confused with falsehoods and cluttered with distractions and
it can be hard finding a heart compatible with our own in these places. I am a
believer in the notion that the journey is as important as the destination, so
my advice is to enjoy your explorations in the meantime and the people you meet
on the way. There is also some element of truth in the saying "When the
Master is ready the slave will appear", however I also believe that the
only guarantee in life is you're going to die at the end of it (although I hear
the Americans are working to eradicate this one).
22. Why are there so many unattached submissives around compared to so few real
/ true / genuine dominants?
See above.
23. What’s your Master’s email address?
I consider it unethical to give out people’s personal email addresses, to
strangers, without their prior consent.
24. Do you want a shag?
No.
25. Who are you and what
makes you think I am interested in this dross?
My internet pseudonym is elle
finn. I am a mother, a wife, a library assistant, a published writer and a
submissive woman. I am group facilitator for SubVerse, a UK
alternative writing group exploring the poetry of surrender. These FAQs are
intended for people who are interested in them, rather than for people who
aren’t.